"Whatever" is the best "control"-Woodmam
A child who is controlled too much will gradually turn from being a "listener" under an authoritative parent to a "slave" of his own bad habits; his bad habits are the shackles that bind him and make him suffer. It's not that he doesn't want to get rid of it in his heart, it's that he doesn't have the ability to get rid of it.
One day, a friend of mine asked me to chat, she came with a question for a female colleague of her unit.
This female colleague of hers is also one of her very close friends, who has problems with the education of her children and is distressed to death. At the same time, my friend herself often has similar worries, so she wanted to talk to me specifically about the education of her children. Our conversation started with this female colleague in her office.
Her female colleague graduated from a prestigious university, excellent work, people are also beautiful, good in the world, is a near-perfect woman, so is also an idealist, in love on the practice of lack rather than promiscuity, has been wasted to 36 years old before getting married. After the marriage there was a son, a son in middle age, love to death. The children of classmates over the years have gone to elementary school and even secondary school, and we often get together to lament how difficult it is to educate children. She was listening to the side and found it hard to believe that children would be so difficult to educate.
When her child was still in infancy, she read Tang poems to him. She had read a lot of books on homeschooling and knew that early initiation was especially important. When her child first learned to speak, she spoke to him every day in both Chinese and English. After her son started kindergarten, a psychological institute came to the kindergarten to collect data and test the children's IQ. But later the director whispered to her that her son was number one in the whole school. She felt like a successful parent and believed that she would give her best to educate an outstanding child, even a prodigy.
She put all her heart and soul into her child's education, from how to speak with standard pronunciation to how to grasp chopsticks and how to play, she gave careful instructions, pointing out immediately whenever her child did something wrong and telling her what to do. If a child repeatedly committed a shortcoming three times, he or she would be criticized, and if he or she committed more than three times, he or she would be hit on the back of the hand for each offense. There are always things that my child gets hit on the back of her hand every day, such as spilling the rice bowl, playing with the milk before finishing it, not saying hello when she sees her aunt, not remembering half of the words she learned yesterday, and so on. She said, I hit him on the back of the hand does not hurt, but I just hope that through this kind of strict to make the child to remember, she is confident that under such requirements children will be more and more perfect.
My friend said she had been to this female colleague's home several times and found that she was really devoted to her child. Although she was talking to you, she felt that her heart was always on her child, telling her child from time to time, for example, "It's time to do your homework", "The water on your hands is not clean, go wipe it again", "Don't wear These shoes look good with your clothes".
My friend lamented that the mother had done this, but somehow her child was getting worse and worse. When she first started elementary school, she was one of the top three students in her class, but by the time she graduated from sixth grade, she was in the bottom three. The child is now in middle school, but still no improvement in all aspects, even since childhood learning English, the results are always very low, in short, there is no trace of high intelligence. And his personality is particularly introverted, not only disobedient, but also seems to be a very nasty. His mother really can't understand, she worked hard to educate him, how to become the current situation, she feels that this is fate is playing tricks on her.
My friend asked me: What do you think is the problem, what is wrong with this child?
I thought about it and said: The problem is still with the mother. The way to improve is very simple, but I suspect that because it is simple, this mother is afraid that it is difficult to do, or she simply does not want to do it. I told my friend in her puzzled gaze, this good and strong mother, her problem is to control her children too fine and too strict. The cure is, of course, the opposite: "whatever".
"Whatever?" My friend's eyes widened.
I said, perhaps we often find a situation: parents who are particularly careful and strict with their children are mostly people who are very attentive in their work and life, and the motivation to succeed is always stronger in their lives, and their self-management is often done very well, and they belong to the kind of people who will do well and achieve certain achievements wherever they are put in their work or career. Similarly, in the education of their children, they are more eager to succeed and confident, and apply their own management to their children. However, they are basically disappointed.
My friend nodded and said, "Yes, yes, yes, that's right, but why is that?
I said, "There is a problem here. Children are not a stone, and what is left behind where the adult carving knife goes is not exactly the unilateral thoughts of the carver. If a parent must be compared to a carver, then the traces left by the carving of education are the result of the interaction between the carver and the carved. If parents as carvers do not see this interaction, ignore children's feelings, thinking that in education, children are an inflexible stone, carving what kind of long, then a diamond in his hands will become a piece of stubborn stone, or a pile of broken material - do not see this interaction, we can not talk about respect for children. One of the most typical manifestations of disrespect for children is too much control over them, that is, too much guidance or interference, and much of their normal growth order is disrupted.
My friend nodded thoughtfully.
I went on to say that I could sense from your statement that the parent was indeed very attentive, but in fact there was very little education in her behavior, but more "instruction" and "monitoring. Is instruction and monitoring education? No! If education were so simple that every parent could do what he or she wanted, there would be no more lamentations of hate in the world. The main component of instruction and surveillance is control. With basically one child in every home these days, parents have all the time and energy they need to manage their children. And it is increasingly recognized that the difference in children's education is mainly in home education, so every parent is riveted at the beginning to educate their children well. But child education is a matter of the greatest art, not of hard work. Only those who focus on the art of education will educate their children well. Blind effort and hard work will only make things worse - which explains why your colleague's child is deteriorating.
I went on to analyze this mother, who has actually been playing an authoritative role in front of her child, because only an authority is qualified to give uninterrupted instructions and surveillance to others. And by human nature, no one likes to have an authority standing in front of them all day long. All obedience to authority is accompanied by repression and displeasure, all of which create inner conflict - the child, of course, does not have such a clear understanding of this problem, he just often feels uncomfortable, feels that he is not free to do anything, often not satisfying adults, and this makes him feel annoyed. So he slowly becomes disobedient, without self-control, not confident, clumsy and bitter. Therefore, parents must be alert to the "too much is too little" thing, and do not act as an authority in front of the child (although in the form of gentle love). A child who is controlled too much will gradually turn from being a "listener" under an authoritative parent to a "slave" to his own bad habits; his bad habits are the very shackles that bind him and make him miserable. It's not that he doesn't want to get rid of it in his heart, it's that he doesn't have the ability to get rid of it. We adults often feel this way, too.
My friend said, "Yes, by your analysis, I think this is really the case. It seems that in the future, we need to control our children less.
I nodded my head and said it was so, so we can summarize the above ideas into one sentence: "Whatever" is the best "control".
My friend laughed and said that was a good summary, and said that she should remember that in her own education and tell her colleague to remember it too. I said, "You can tell your colleague this, but don't expect her to accept it. I've told many parents that for some reason, some parents are turned off by the word "whatever".
Seeing that my friend was a bit surprised, I told her the following incident.
The other day, I met a father who told his son, "When I was a kid, I had a lot of kids at home, and your grandparents were busy, so who cares about me? Your mother and I care about you and spend so much time with you every day, but you don't know how to work hard, why are you so unconscious?
Because I knew the father well, I said to him bluntly: you are right, it is because you were not supervised as a child that you learned to be conscious; your son is not conscious precisely because he is too "supervised". What he should think for himself, his parents have thought for him; what he should feel for himself, his parents have gone to remind him, why does he need to stay on his own this God, where he has the opportunity to learn self-management it? The father was very dissatisfied with my words, he retorted, "According to you, not to control the child, but can be a good parent, we are so attentive but wrong? He showed his dislike for me for a long time because of this.
This father's reaction was not a surprise. I have met many parents who have too much control over their children and always try to convince them to give their children some free space and time, to give them some opportunities to make mistakes, so I propose that they should control their children less in the future - a sure way to change the problem. But most of the time, my proposal is met with similar questions from parents. To them, asking parents to "leave" their children alone is as harsh and offensive as asking them to give up custody of their children. The truth is that they don't want to understand what I mean by "leaving" - it's not a way to diminish parental responsibility, it's a way to solve a problem, a way of thinking that requires parents to develop an internal respect for their children.
My friend nodded that parents always ask their children to correct this and that shortcoming; but they are not willing to accept the shortcomings pointed out to them by others, and they refuse to admit that they have such shortcomings from the inside. I also nodded, this is why it is particularly difficult to work with parents, and is the fundamental reason why many problems in children are difficult to solve.
We were silent for a few moments, and my friend said, "I understand all that you said. However, I have a specific question. If a child is about to take an exam, for example, a midterm or entrance exam, and he doesn't study, or a piano exam is about to be graded, and he doesn't practice properly, what should parents do, and should they not say anything?
I said that it is a serious problem for a child to have an important exam soon and still not study hard. But this "unconsciousness" is only the surface, which reflects a series of problems, such as lack of reason, boredom, poor self-control, immature values, lack of self-esteem, low self-esteem, and so on. To be honest, this series of problems and parents have been inappropriate management style must have a causal relationship. If parents want to control, they must change the method, and the old method will definitely not work, because his current state is a result of the "control" you have been implementing for a long time. As for the method of control, I can not give an immediate solution, I can only say that according to the specific circumstances of each child, small illnesses, small treatment, big illnesses, the more serious the child's problems, the more parents have to fundamentally change the educational methods, the more we have to come up with enough patience to find ways to develop the child's sense of self-awareness. On this point, or from my own experience to talk about it. Maybe it can give parents some insight.
When my daughter Yuan Yuan was a senior in high school, we gave her a portable CD player for Christmas, with the intention of letting her listen to music when she was tired of studying. But she often listened to songs while doing her homework, and went to buy CDs every now and then, and knew all the popular singers and songs of the time. Judging from our own learning experience, this is a sure way to distract her from her studies. If it were elementary school, we wouldn't be anxious if she was like this. But now it's high school, time is so precious, competition is so fierce, you have to slack off a little, others will catch up. Her father and I were a little anxious, so we reminded her that it was best not to listen to music while studying, and reasoned with her that high school homework was different from elementary school homework, not for completion, but for reflection and understanding in the process of writing.
The first time she said it, she just said she knew and said she didn't think it affected her studies. After a few days, we saw that she still wore headphones every day to write her homework, so we couldn't help it any more, so we said her again. This time she got a little impatient and blamed us for nagging her, saying she knew how to do it herself and telling us to leave her alone.
For a long time, we kept our mouths shut, but we were always anxious. It wasn't just the listening to the headphones, but mainly the whole lax attitude she showed towards her studies that made us a little anxious. At such times, we had the urge to "control" her many times, but we finally resisted. Her father and I decided that we would not bother with her anymore and let her be.
We think about it this way: maybe she is just new, and now study is not intense enough, to sophomore and junior year of high school study is more intense, the new energy is also over, she will naturally be nervous. Maybe she is under psychological pressure and is releasing it in this way, and the relaxation she is showing is a state she must go through to adjust herself. Maybe she's just obsessed with music. Many people become deeply obsessed with something at some point in their adolescence, and it's not good to interrupt them in a raw way - on top of all these "maybe's", we have a wise one: human learning behavior is a synthesis of two systems One is somatic and the other is psychological. A child can be forced to sit at a desk with his eyes on a book and a pen in his hand - even though his body is in place, no one can get his mind in place. If it is not of her own free will, even if we let Yuan Yuan put away her CD player, she will not be more focused on her studies because of it; on the contrary, her mind may be further away from her studies. Since Yuan Yuan said that it would not affect her study and that she knew what was best, we had to trust her words.
Therefore, her father and I reminded each other to keep our mouths shut and not to talk about it anymore. In this process, we learned that "not saying" is a much harder thing to do than "saying". Your child's behavior challenges your psyche every day, and it really requires parents to use enough sense and patience to defuse the matter. Of course, over time, we really don't care and really forget to mind her. I didn't notice when Yuan Yuan stopped listening to music while studying, until one day I noticed that the CD player on her bookshelf was dusty.
I asked about it after she got into college. Yuan Yuan said that listening to music while doing homework was really distracting, which she actually knew all along, but she just wanted to listen to it at the beginning and couldn't restrain herself. When she was in her third year of high school, she was so nervous that she didn't want anything to disturb her studies, so of course she stopped listening to it when she was doing her homework. It seems that the child has a number of things in mind, and she will definitely adjust herself if she has a motivated mind and an attitude of responsibility for herself.
My friend said, "Well, the more I hear, the more I understand.
I smiled and said, "That's about right. Seeing that she was not tired of listening to me, I went on to say that people are not born to be "governed" by others, and that freedom is the most cherished thing in everyone's bones. Children, in particular, should be able to stretch their nature and grow up uninhibited. A child is a perfectly independent world, with infinite vitality hidden in his young body. He has a potential for self-shaping and self-forming expression in the growth of his life, just as a seed has hidden roots, leaves and flowers that will grow naturally under the right conditions. Parents who have the faith and moderation of a farmer, their children will surely grow better.
My friend sighed and said that usually when we go to the school for parent-teacher conferences, the principal or teachers emphasize that parents should care more about their children, make more time for them, and control them more. Through today's chat I realized that, in fact, in the present day, many children's problems are not because parents are not in control, but because they are too much in control. I smiled and said, "You've hit the nail on the head. Parents need to recognize their own limitations and know that at certain stages of their children's development and in certain aspects of development, you are powerless or do not need to act - this, if you are not afraid to offend, go back to your colleague to suggest that, in her current situation, "do not act " is the best as, "regardless" is the best tube.
One of the most typical manifestations of disrespect for children is too much control over them, that is, too much guidance or interference, and many of their normal growth orders are disrupted.
Parents who are particularly strict with their children are mostly people who are very dedicated to their work and life, and their motivation for success is always strong in their lives. Similarly, in the education of children, they are more eager to succeed and confident, and apply their own management to their children. However, they are largely disappointed.
Is instruction and monitoring education? No! If education were so simple that every parent could do what he or she wanted, there would be no more laments of hate in the world. The main component of instruction and surveillance is control.
Not saying" is a much harder thing to do than "saying". Your child's behavior challenges your psyche on a daily basis, and it takes a lot of reason and patience to dissipate it.
A child is a world that exists perfectly on its own, with infinite vitality hidden in its young body. It has a potential for self-shaping and self-forming expression as it grows, just as a seed has roots, leaves, and flowers that grow naturally under the right conditions. Parents who have the faith and moderation of a farmer will surely see their children grow better.
Educational toys can be used to prompt children's learning abilities