3. To the small bench rubbing pain-Woodmam
Kindness and open-mindedness always follow each other. A child who can give a little bench a painful rub will have more understanding and love for others, and never be paranoid about her own reasons and interests when she encounters problems. Such a way of thinking will not only make her happy in the moment, but will also ensure that she never suffers a great loss in her life.
It often happens that when a toddler is playing or walking, she accidentally bumps into something and wails when it hurts. In order to comfort the child, the parents will coax the child while deliberately raising their hands to hit the "perpetrator", "blaming" it for the child's pain and making it look like they are "taking revenge" on the child. Then reassure the child by saying, "Let's hit it. Then reassure the child that we beat it, it no longer dare to touch you. The child may be somewhat comforted at this point, broken into tears, the parents will also feel satisfied.
This is a bad approach, an "act of revenge". It teaches the child to blame others when he is unhappy, teaches him intolerance and revenge, which is not conducive to children's mental health.
Adults may think, the table touched the child, I just hit the table, the table does not know the pain, what is it, I did not teach the child to hit others ah. In fact, in a child's view, everything is the same, talking to a blade of grass is the same as talking to a person, and the attitude towards a table is the same as the attitude towards a person. Sometimes a little girl's affection for her beloved rag doll is by no means inferior to her affection for her sibling sister. A child as simple as a blank sheet of paper, anything is new to him, and any experience is experience and learning in his case.
The French thinker Rousseau, in his famous educational treatise "Émile", when talking about the formation of a person's moral outlook, believed that the perceptions that a person receives in the first moment, when he is still innocent and pure, will have an indelible influence on his whole life. (1) When a child is young, every detail of life can become an event of great educational significance, and there are no small things in children's education, and every small thing is a "big thing" that can be expanded into a good habit or bad habit of the child. Parents should be sensitive to this and use some heart to make the "little things" they encounter every day become a brick and a stone in the building of a child's good moral character.
When children are young, minor bumps and bruises happen all the time, and my daughter, Yuan Yuan, is certainly no different. On the one hand, we pay close attention to her safety, and on the other hand, we don't make too much fuss when these things happen. We try to look at her with a happy and relaxed expression, so that she can feel how normal and even some fun things. If adults move with a panic face, not only can not give comfort to the child, but also the child scared, in addition to skin pain, psychological fear.
We also teach her to be kind to "opponents". If a small bench hurts her, we will never hit the bench. Quickly kiss her painful place, it is said that the mother's kisses are very effective in relieving pain, rubbing her and reassuring her that "it will soon stop hurting, the baby will not cry". When the comfort is a little better, and then, as with her, take her to the little bench to rub the pain, telling the little bench "soon it will not hurt".
In this way, not only does not let the little stool to her side, become the "harm" her bad, but also as a friend to share the pain, and let her realize that "collision" is a matter of mutual understanding. When Yuan Yuan went to the little bench to rub the pain, she also forgot about her own pain, and her mood quickly improved.
As we often do this, once I took her outside to play, she ran and tripped over the uneven ground and fell forward, her two little hands bruised and bloodied slightly, crying out in pain. I quickly kissed her little hand, blew her gently, and wiped her tears, and she soon stopped crying. When I wanted to pull her away, she actually squatted down and rubbed the pain to the ground where she fell, comforting the ground and saying "it won't hurt anymore".
At the same time, if she and the children both want to play with a rag doll and there is a conflict, we neither ask her to give up nor encourage her to grab it, but quickly use another thing to attract her and the children's attention, so that she knows that there is more than one fun thing; or guide her to play with the children to experience the joy of cooperation. For example, tell the children, "Let's dress up the rag doll together. The doll's hair is messed up. Here, Zhe comb the rag doll's hair, Tingting go to the bathroom and find a towel to wipe the rag doll's face, Yuan Yuan bring that bow of yours and put it on the rag doll's head ...... ah, look, the three of you make the rag doll look so beautiful!" Adults often guide children in this way, and parents themselves are friendly to their children every day, in any matter to find ways to understand children, not and children fighting hard than stubborn, children will learn to understand others, learn to gently resolve conflicts. In particular, they learn to "give in". Yuan Yuan has always known how to be humble since she was a child, and whenever there is any conflict, she will always give in. This concession is not a cowardly concession, but a child who shows true generosity and adaptability.
She never has a problem with children, but always knows how to solve problems through "solutions". I remember once in kindergarten, Yuan Yuan and some children lined up to play on the slide. The child at the front of the line was always the first one to go up and slide down, and then the first one to run to the slide, and then go up together when the people behind him were sliding down and standing behind him. Children may suddenly find when the "first" is very beautiful, they began to compete. The children who slid down the ladder behind them desperately ran to the ladder, but it was difficult to catch up to the first position, so some children began to push each other, shouting, making a very unpleasant mood. Yuan Yuan also wanted to be the first to slide down, but she would not compete for the first place by shouting or pushing others out of the way. She lets herself slide one less time and waits by the ladder, so that when other children slide down the ladder this time, they will naturally be behind her. By giving up, she did not conflict with the children, but also won a chance for herself to be at the front of the line.
Yuan Yuan's understanding nature extends to many areas. She grew up being kind and friendly to everything, and she wouldn't allow her father and I to joke about spanking a rag doll. When she started elementary school, she had a good relationship with her classmates and was almost unanimously elected as one of the three best students in her class. When she was only 7 years old, my brother's child, Xiao Yi, who was 4 years old at the time, came to live with me for a few months. Yuan Yuan was always very nice to her little brother and never once had a problem with him. One time, she and I went to buy a cake that she and her brother both liked very much, and there was only a little bit left, barely enough for two people to eat. I asked her if she could go back and just let grandma and her little brother eat it, and if she wouldn't eat it this time. Yuan Yuan readily agreed, even though she really wanted to eat it, but she could also consider that her brother was so small and her grandma was old and needed care. When she got home, she insisted that she would give the cake to her grandma and brother, but she would not eat it. Grandma exclaimed that this child really knows how to behave.
Yuan Yuan attended a residential school in junior high school and was given a fruit every day. She came home and told me that she was a little upset at first when she was given a bad fruit, but when she thought about it, if she didn't give it to her, it would be given to another student, so one of them had to eat it. When she thought about it, she was so happy that she didn't care what kind of fruit she got in the future. She was only ten years old when she said this.
We were very happy that she thought this way. Kindness and open-mindedness always go hand in hand. A child who can give a little bench a painful rubbing will have more understanding and love for others, and never be paranoid about her own reasons and interests when she encounters problems. Such a way of thinking not only makes her happy in the moment, but also ensures that she will not suffer a great loss in her life.
Yuan Yuan is not the kind of person who makes people feel close immediately, she will greet politely, but not pleasantries, and not at all to close the relationship to say something unintentional, no coquettish behavior in communication. This even makes some of the first time and her relationship will have a little pressure or uncomfortable, feeling that she is too bland and unenthusiastic towards people. But as soon as you have the opportunity to get in touch more, you will find that it is her simple and kind consistent performance. She has always had good relationships in her circle. When she was in high school, the school published the list of candidates for the third best student of the city and voted on it throughout the year. The first thing that happened to her was that she was one of the candidates, and without her knowledge, some of her classmates went to canvass for votes for her.
The "skill" of Yuan Yuan to get along with people is that there is no skill, all behavior is just out of nature, she is friendly to others in the heart, long can naturally let others feel, also let others comfortable.
When she was in high school, her class was the first experimental class of the school, which concentrated the top students of the school. In fact, every student in the class was a potential competitor in the college entrance examination. Two months before the college entrance exam, when Yuan Yuan was revising on her own, she compiled several English phrases that she needed to memorize. She found it useful and recommended it well to her classmates, so she let me help print it out and took it outside to be copied. We matched them one by one, stapled them again, and she carried them in a bag and gave one to each student in the class. Although it was a small thing, it showed the simplicity and selflessness of her heart.
According to the philosopher Fromm, egoism and solitude are synonymous, and man cannot achieve his purpose without any relationship with the outside world. Man can seek satisfaction and happiness only by being in solidarity and unity with his fellow man. Love for one's neighbor is not a transcendent phenomenon, but something that is inherent in a person and comes out of his heart, which is his own power. With this power, man connects himself to the world and makes the world truly his world. (2) Mr. Wang Xuan, the inventor of laser illumination, said, "A man who thinks about himself as much as he thinks about others is a good man." We also firmly believe that the most important skill of being a good person that parents can teach their children is to be a good person.
Dr. Kai-Fu Lee, who is currently dedicated to educating young people about mental health, particularly emphasizes "empathy," which is the ability to appreciate the emotions and thoughts of others, to understand the positions and feelings of others, and to think and deal with problems from the perspective of others in the process of interpersonal interaction. (3) This is the same concept as the American educator Dewey's "compassion". Dewey believed that empathy, as a good quality, is not simply an emotion; it is an educated imagination that enables us to think about what is common to human beings and to rebel against what needlessly divides people (4) - when "compassion" or "When these things become part of a person's nature, there is no more self-righteousness, no more condescension, no more hostility, no more rejection; there is understanding, there is kindness, there is openness.
"Education is the cultivation of style. Teaching your child to "give the little board a painful rub" is not so much a matter of skill as it is a matter of educational or philosophical outlook. Parents must pay attention to the harmony and unity of the values embedded in all your words and actions, only what is unified before and after, can be implicitly transferred to the child and stabilized in their hearts, becoming their style of doing things.
If a child accidentally bumps, parents can kindly adopt the "give a small bench to rub the pain" approach to deal with; but one day the child accidentally broke a vase you love, you can't help but be furious with the child; usually always tell children that we should understand others, but once the child's ideas and your ideas are different, you blame The child "disobeys", forcing the child to obey, without carefully experiencing the child's feelings - then your educational behavior is not unified, you actually become an inconsiderate, not open-minded, love things more than children, values are not unified parents. The moment your emotions are so real, it will leave a deep impression on the child, and the child's values will be confused by you, and the "style" will not be complete and unified.
I've seen young children with hostile eyes, who can easily lose their temper and act aggressively. One mother complained about her son's hitting and told her child "no hitting" while "teaching" her son a lesson for hitting his head on the table; when her son grabbed and hit another child, she only controlled him in a fake way, probably because she was afraid of the connivance in her attitude. She also teases her son to hit his father for fun. When her son went to kindergarten, he didn't get along with the children and often hit them, causing the teachers and parents to have a problem with him. This child may want to play with the children, but he is full of protection in the process of playing, lest something be violated by others, and in most cases ends up in a disagreement with the children. That's why he is always lonely. Whenever I see this child's lonely and hostile gaze, I am always worried about his future.
I have seen many "grown-up" adults who basically think in a "unilateralist" way, where the "reason" of the world is with him, and he can ignore the things and feelings of others. They do not care about other people's things and feelings, but their own things and feelings are the most important in the world, and their own ideas are the most correct in the world; they are selfish and narrow-minded in their daily work and life. Not only bring unhappiness to others, but also often bring unhappiness to themselves. When they are eager to maintain their own interests, some of the real interests in life are quietly lost.
A kind person is the one who has the least friction with the world, and can easily become a happy person; a child who is not harsh in his mentality will grow up to be more comfortable with his attitude, and his relationships will be more harmonious, and he will get more help and opportunities. When "rubbing the pain of the little bench" becomes a way of thinking for the child, what he gives in life is understanding, kindness and respect - and what he can get from life is exactly this.
When a child is young, every detail of life can become an event with great educational significance.
When children are young, minor bumps and bruises often occur. Parents should pay special attention to their children's safety on the one hand, and not make too much of a fuss when these things happen on the other. Try to look happy and relaxed, so that the child can feel that this is a normal, even somewhat interesting thing. If an adult moves with a panicked face, not only will it not give comfort to the child, but it will also scare him and create fear psychologically, in addition to skin pain.
● The most important skill of being a good person that parents can teach their children is to be a good person.