3.Only set up "merit book" but not "demerit book"-Woodmam
We have never rewarded our children with money, but the reward from parents is a small red flower in this little book, which cannot be calculated in monetary terms, but is invaluable and has helped us to develop many good virtues in our children.
From the time Yuan Yuan was 4 years old, I got her a small book, specifically to remember the good things she did. The little book is not very big, and each page only contains one thing, and all the things written down are very simple, basically only a few words, such as "collecting toys well", "throwing away the garbage", "making up her own stories", and "going to the kitchen to turn on the light alone at night". For example, "Put away toys well", "Throw away the trash", "Make up a story", "Go to the kitchen alone at night to get a toothpick", "Learn to recognize clocks", etc. Each page is marked with a red pen and a little red flower - a reward for her. We call this book "the credit book". I found that every time I gave Yuan Yuan "credit", she was so happy that she would count the number of little red flowers she got every once in a while.
This method is very good for the child's growth. The first is that the child is praised and has a sense of honor; the second is that the things written in the little book serve as a reminder for her, so that she will not forget to do these good deeds again; the third is that all the words written in this little book, Yuan Yuan can remember, and she often reads her advanced deeds while counting the little red flowers, and also recognizes a lot of words.
After she went to elementary school, the school teacher often awarded small red flowers, which is a small piece of paper stamped with a small red flower stamp, save enough small red flowers can be exchanged for a "big smiley face". There was a "glory bar" at the back of the classroom, and whoever had more "big smiley faces" under their name was doing a good job. Throughout elementary school, Yuan Yuan was always on the top of the list and was always in the top one or two for the number of "big smiles". We were definitely happy, but we never made a big deal out of it, we just felt like it was the norm and nothing worth mentioning. This is because we are worried that she will feel superior in comparison with her classmates and that she will learn to deliberately pursue the "big smiley face", thus losing the naturalness and harmony of her behavior.
At the same time, the family's "merit book" kept growing, but not once did she get good test scores. We have always believed that the most important thing during elementary school is to protect the child's interest in learning. Excessive attention to test scores and calculating rankings is actually a dissipation of interest in learning. When a child is led by adults to care about scores and rankings, he will not be interested in learning itself. If parents push the envelope, it will not only not promote your child's future learning, but will have the opposite effect.
Therefore, the content of the records during the elementary school is just some trivial things, such as "helping mom wash the dishes, washing them cleanly", "playing the erhu well", "learning to cut potatoes", etc. At the end of the semester, we also record her achievements. At the end of the semester, she also wrote down the total number of awards she won during the semester, which was mainly used as a memo. In addition, she also wrote some "poems", which were very childish but had the heart of a child in them.
She was 10 years old in the first year of junior high school, lived in school, and came home once a week. She came back the next week and said she didn't cry this week, so I quickly wrote down for her "she stopped crying the second week she lived in school". The "achievements" of this period are basically related to her life in school: "she was praised by the teacher for folding the quilt neatly", "she washed her own clothes and washed them cleanly", and so on. These are some of her external progress, but also note her internal progress and growth. Once she had an argument with me, and we were both a little upset during the debate. But instead of defending her point of view in a radical way, she was able to think while debating, and once she realized that her mom had a point, she stopped arguing and then worked with her mom to clarify her thinking. This is her maturity and a virtue. So I also put this down in my little book and awarded a little red flower. This made it further clear to Yuan Yuan that debating is about clarifying right and wrong, not about refuting the other side.
With the advent of adolescence, the child has become more and more assertive and individualistic, and she is quickly maturing, so the reward of drawing a small red flower seems a little childish. The main thing is that Yuan Yuan's personality, thinking and learning have shown stable and good condition, and we pay more attention to the communication with her. So after she started her second year of middle school, the little book basically stopped writing anything down and stopped quite naturally.
Now that Yuan Yuan is in college, the "credit book" has become a "cultural relic" in our house and a testimony to her happy growth. We feel that it is a better way to set up a "credit book". We have never rewarded Yuan Yuan with money, but the reward from parents is a small red flower in this little book, which cannot be calculated in monetary value, but is invaluable and helps us to develop many good qualities in our children.
Children, like adults, like to be affirmed and motivated. It is in an environment of affirmation and motivation that they are more likely to be confident and to improve. The mistake of many parents is that they always like to reward their children with material things, which shows that they do not understand their children - for children who do not experience material shortage today, material rewards are not very useful and may bring temporary satisfaction, but they will not last; only spiritual pleasure and accomplishment can bring true happiness and motivation .
I have told this approach to some parents, and some even said: It's because your child grew up behaving well. My child gives me a terrible headache every day, where is the good thing worth recording.
This kind of thinking is really wrong.
The truth is that every child has as much good in them, and their characteristics are often their strengths. These strengths are the seeds stored in children's hearts and need to be nurtured and nourished at the right time in order to sprout, take root, blossom and bear fruit. Unfortunately, many parents are too good at finding their children's weaknesses, but are slow to appreciate their children's strengths, and are full of criticism and instructions to their children all day long. The seeds of merit that could have grown up in the child's heart are always hit by hail and frost, and cannot grow well until they wither or die - that's why many children are really full of flaws in the end, and it's hard to find merit.
There is a famous saying that there is no lack of beauty in the world, what is missing is the eye to find it. Parents, even if they do not have the time to set up a record book on the physical, at least in the heart to set up such a "credit book". If you have such a book in your heart, your eyes and words will flow out, and your child can feel it completely. The more "merits" you record for him, the more happiness and confidence you give him, which will make him better and better.
Some parents will praise the good aspects of their children's strengths and weaknesses, and point out the bad aspects in a timely manner. This is true from a logical point of view, but if it is not done in the right way, there can be some problems.
Here is an example I encountered, more typical.
This incident also has to start with Yuan Yuan. When Yuan Yuan was in junior high school, I once told her about our childhood and mentioned that in my hometown, when people were sarcastic about those who thought they had made achievements, they would say, "Give you a credit to the bottom of the urinal". Yuan Yuan thought this phrase is very funny, imagine that the scene is very interesting, we discussed that the "credit book" has basically stopped, the future credit on the bottom of the urinal it. I found a piece of paper and Yuan Yuan drew a big picture of a urinal on it and wrote the words "credit book"; I wrote on it a few "good things" that she had done recently. This is more of a fun activity than a motivational one. Because Yuan Yuan has not lacked encouragement, she is also more mature. So she didn't get a good "credit" on the "urinal", but later two more, five or six in total, and then she didn't bother to write them down again.
This piece of paper was on the wall for a long time and was seen by a good friend of mine, who was worried about her daughter's management at the time. I stopped by and told her about the benefits of setting up a credit book. She thought it was new and good and said she would go home and get a piece of paper to put on the wall to motivate her ten-year-old daughter. Then one day I went to her house and saw that she had indeed done it, but there were some problems with the operation.
The paper was divided into two columns, one for strengths and the other for weaknesses. The parents were well-intentioned to let their children know their strengths and remember their weaknesses at the same time. But this is clearly inappropriate.
This is because the purpose of a "merit book" is to catalyze the child's confidence and happiness from occasional good performance, so that this occasional behavior eventually becomes a stable behavior for the child. Similarly, putting the child's shortcomings in black and white on the wall, with constant reminders, can also stabilize these behaviors - it is easy for the child to characterize the bad things he or she wants to discard, and to assume that those bad habits are his or her inevitable behavior. The end result is that the strengths will solidify into real strengths; the weaknesses will also solidify and become weaknesses that can never be changed.
Education is all in the details, and it is a mistake to miss the mark.
Children's sense of reflection and control are not yet developed, and they are more susceptible to the dictates of suggestion and interest. Adults think that by writing out their children's shortcomings and posting them in front of their eyes, children will remind themselves often and rationally correct their mistakes. This idea is so unaware of the characteristics of children. Moreover, anyone who comes to her house will see this piece of paper, and so many flaws hanging on the wall will also damage the child's self-esteem.
So I reminded my friend that there is no need to pin the side of the child that she doesn't want to show on the wall. It would be better to write only the strengths and not the weaknesses on the paper, and to remember only the "merits" and not the "faults".
She asked me worriedly, "My child has a lot of bad habits that I want her to change, so what should I do, is it bad to write them down and give her a reminder? I said, of course you can remind, but to put it differently, to turn all the child's "fault" into "credit" to say, that is, first from the parents' consciousness to "only set up a book of credit, not a book of fault The first thing that parents should do is to set up a "credit book, not a fault book".
For example, if your child doesn't practice the piano properly and always needs to be reminded by parents to do so, you can't write down that she doesn't practice the piano consciously, but that she at least practices every day, so you can write down that she can practice the piano every day. Next, if she is still lazy and does not want to practice for an hour, you should not write down "she did not play for an hour", but "she only practiced for 40 minutes, but she made a lot of progress"; if she finds it acceptable to play for 40 minutes, you should only play for 40 minutes every day for the next period of time. You then avoid the time issue and write down that "you are practicing very carefully and your level is slowly improving" - that is, you can always find something to praise in your child's performance, and always give your child positive hints and stimuli. In this way, the child will slowly gain a sense of accomplishment and change practicing for time to practicing for skill. When she stops fighting with her parents and really wants to practice a piece, she doesn't care if she plays a little longer or a little less; and a half hour of serious practice will give her better results than an hour of grunting.
My best friend was still a bit worried and asked me if I should not point out the child's shortcomings. If we don't point them out, her shortcomings will never change and may get worse, so what should we do?
I said that some parents often criticize and educate their children because there is a deep-rooted false assumption that if they don't speak up and remind them often, their children will not correct their flaws and will become more and more degenerate. The truth is that every child has self-esteem, and it is his nature to get ahead, and as long as it is not distorted, it will definitely grow normally. For a certain shortcoming in the child, you can properly remind, once you find this shortcoming recurring, you should consider using positive encouragement to help the child overcome without moving, rather than repeatedly criticize directly, do not say "I have told you how many times, you just do not change" and so on. Repeated criticism is like putting a "book" on the wall, it will solidify the child's shortcomings and make it difficult to separate the child from that shortcoming.
To make my best friend understand better, I gave her some more advice.
If your child dawdles at school every morning, you always have to rush to get dressed and eat and get your bag, and you have to drag him or her out of the house to not be late. Then even if you say the phrase "hurry up, don't dawdle" 10,000 times a day and criticize your child 10,000 times for this shortcoming, it won't solve the problem; your constant repetition only makes your child steadily form such a bad habit. If you change the approach, the problem can be radically improved. You can have a serious and friendly talk with your child and tell her that starting tomorrow, she will take charge of her own school time in the morning. Then starting the next day, you can really do it without rushing. You just finish what you have to do, like getting breakfast ready or getting yourself cleaned up and ready to go to drop off your child. As for the child, she makes her own schedule and you calmly wait for her to dawdle.
If your child is not comfortable on the first day, she may dawdle for an hour and cry on the way, throwing a tantrum with you and blaming you for not reminding her. At this point, you praise your child and say, "Mom finds you are a really good kid, motivated and unwilling to be late. Today is the first day you arranged your own time and you are not used to it yet; you will surely arrange it better and better in the future." Note that when you say this, show sincerity and don't pay lip service. As long as the parents can sincerely persist in the process without getting angry, blaming, or doing anything, they should let the child manage herself and give her "credit" often; when the child repeats herself, they can still find the positive points in her negative performance and give her sincere praise. Then, the child's sense of self-management will definitely be formed, and the problem of dawdling will definitely be changed.
Whether in physical form or within oneself, parents should set up a small book for their children. Only set up a "merit book", not a "demerit book". Cherish your child's sense of honor and avoid punitive records. Children have no faults, only immaturity; and immaturity means that there is room for growth and growth possibilities. Parents should truly appreciate their children's immaturity from the inside and see the beauty in immaturity. This will make it easier for you to open the "merit book" instead of involuntarily opening the "fault book" once you see your child's mistakes.
Parental literacy and rationality is demonstrated by the fact that whenever you are ready to use any method of teaching your child, you have to think about the means you are using: what is it that you want to reinforce, whether the method you are using is liked or disliked by the child, whether its impact on the child is positive or negative, whether it is motivating or counteracting, whether it is immediate or long-term, whether it is noble or vulgar? Doing things based on emotion and habit without thinking about these things not only fails to achieve the goal, but may fundamentally undermine it.
For children who do not experience material shortage today, material rewards are not very useful and may bring temporary satisfaction, but will not last; only spiritual pleasure and achievement can bring true happiness and motivation. Parents, even if they do not have time to set up a record book in kind, should at least set up such a "credit book" in their hearts. If you have such a book in your heart, your eyes and words will show it and your child will feel it completely. The more "merits" you record for him, the more happiness and confidence you give him, which will make him better and better.
Some parents often criticize and teach their children because they have a deep-rooted false assumption that if they don't speak up and remind them often, their children will not correct their faults and will fall further and further behind. The truth is that every child has self-esteem, and it is his nature to get ahead, and as long as he is not distorted, he will surely grow normally. Repeated criticism is like a "book" on the wall, which will solidify the child's shortcomings and make it difficult to divorce the child from that shortcoming.
Educational toys can be used to prompt children's learning abilities