Chapter 5: The wisdom of being a parent 1. not to bring their own children is a dereliction of duty-Woodmam
Parents hold the fate of their children in their hands. Any intention to change the child must start with changing the parents themselves. A "line of difference" in parenting philosophy can make a "thousand differences" in the fate of a child.
If parents can appreciate the importance of every day and every situation in a child's development, and know that these situations can have a huge impact on their children, then the ability and means for parents to bring up their children and work at the same time will naturally be there.
There are always reasons for wanting to do something, and excuses for not wanting to do something.
When Yuan Yuan was one year and three months old, her father took a leave of absence from his original unit and went to work in Xiamen. I was still working in the original unit, and I was facing great difficulties in bringing up the child alone. And the family's elderly were unable to come over to help.
Yuan Yuan's grandmother was in another county, seven to eight hours away from the city of Jining, Inner Mongolia, where we lived at the time, and her grandfather was unable to take care of himself and needed to be taken care of. Her grandmother lived in an even more distant flag, more than ten hours by shuttle bus, the family also has a big mess of work, can not leave. But her grandmother said to us before Yuan Yuan was born, if she was busy at work, she would send the child back home and she would take care of her. Now that I know that Yuan Yuan's father is going to work overseas, I am even more eager to send the child back home, saying that she can definitely take good care of the child.
I know that my mother-in-law is a clean and efficient person, also very loving, in terms of food and living than I can take care of the child. But I declined, I want to take care of the child myself. We had already found an old lady in the neighborhood to take the children to work during the day and pick them up at noon and at night after work, four times a day. After Mr. arrived in Xiamen, I discussed with the old lady and gave her some more money, so she did not pick up the children at noon. But I'm not a bit relieved by this. Since having a child, household chores seem to multiply by three and become more. In the past, when her father was home, one of us worked and one of us watched the child, and we were still busy, but now I have to work and watch her, and I feel that the household work is multiplied by 3 and multiplied by 2.
Yuan Yuan was just learning to walk, and it was the most tiring time, stumbling around, restless for a while. She was curious about everything and wanted to move everything. I couldn't take my eyes off her for a moment and had to bring her to wherever I was working.
When cooking, take the little diaper pot into the kitchen and try to coax her to sit on it and not move; when scrubbing the floor, make her stay in the walker for a while so that she has two hands free to get the mop; when washing clothes, put her in the laundry tub first, and while she is still a bit new to the "new environment", I quickly put the dirty parts of the clothes in the basin and rub them with my hands first. I rubbed the dirty parts of the clothes in the basin with my hands first.
But she does not want to be at my mercy. Often, when I am in a hurry to cook, she hugs my leg and asks for a hug; when I want to wash the dishes, she refuses the toys handed to her and wants me to tell her a story; when I am in a hurry to finish eating and go to work, she spills her food all over and needs to change her clothes again ...... I am so busy from morning to night without a break that I really feel I need to grow three arms. I need to grow three heads and six arms to cope.
I've never been very good at housework before. I had two sisters and two brothers in my family, and I was spoiled to idleness as a child; after I got married and met a hardworking man, I let him do almost all the work in the house. It was too tiring to be alone, busy with children, housework and work.
My blood pressure dropped to the point that the doctor thought I should be on bed rest, but I did the same.
My mother-in-law was uneasy and sent word again that I should send the children back. My elder sister in another city also wanted to help me with the children, her son was in elementary school at the time, and she was not too busy working and doing things well. I know they are very good at taking care of children, but I decided to take care of them myself and declined their offers.
I can insist on this, mainly for two reasons. One is the child's initiation. My mother-in-law has never been to school, she is definitely not as good as me in this area. The second is to consider the child's feelings. I think for a child, grandmother and great aunt love her, she also need to see her mother every day, in the child's emotional needs, no one can replace the mother. Many people around me have given their children to the elderly who live out of town to see them once a month or a few months. They all say that children are small and don't know what they're doing, so they cry for a few days and don't want their mom, and they get used to it. I don't think it's that simple, and I can feel it from Yuan Yuan's sudden fear of not seeing her father.
Although she can not say, but from her performance and occasionally some words expression, I can feel that her little heart must be because of a long time to see Dad and sad. If she suddenly doesn't see her mom again, and she doesn't know her grandmother and great-aunt very well, I can't imagine how painful that would be for her little heart. At the same time, I also considered how long she would be emotionally lost if I gave her to her grandmother or great-aunt now and brought her back in two or three years.
According to American child psychologist Benjamin Sparks, "A few months after birth, children begin to love and trust the one or two people who look after them regularly, seeing them as a reliable guarantee of their own safety. Even as young as half an infant, because of the sudden departure of the father or mother who took care of them, and the loss of interest in people and things, do not open a smile, do not think about eating, mental depression, a child grows up to adulthood, life in the world optimistic or pessimistic, treat people with enthusiasm or indifference, for people more trust or suspicion, which depends to a large extent on the first two years of their lives in charge of their primary care of people's attitude."
Even if these concerns did not exist, I would have to take care of my children myself just to see them grow up day by day. I hardly hesitated on this issue.
A year after her father went to the south, I also took a leave of absence from the unit and began to travel together. We couldn't stabilize for several years, and our work was always busy and tiring; but we always kept Yuan Yuan with us and didn't let her leave for a day. It's not that the whole process was so hard for us, how painful and tiring, on the contrary, the "hard" time was very short and passed quickly. The child actually got better and better. With her parents' personal care, Yuan Yuan is developing very well, both intellectually and emotionally, and there are no intractable problems with her. We have always felt easy and comfortable with all aspects of her life, including eating and living.
This ease has become more evident the older the child gets. We even felt a sense of regret from the bottom of our hearts - how our children grew up so fast, before they had enough fun, they suddenly grew up.
When some people around us see that we never seem to worry about our children, but our children get good grades and know how to behave, they think we have an easy time as parents and envy our good fortune.
I can't help but think of some parents who were so neglectful of their children when they were young. Some of them are "preoccupied with work"; some are busy drinking and socializing; some are drunk on the mahjong table all day. I have even met a mother, she simply out of jealousy of her mother-in-law to sisters-in-law to watch the children, will be forced to give her three-year-old child also live in another county in-law. Such parents, when their children are young, they do not pay attention to their emotional needs and educational needs, and only when their children are older and have such and such problems, they complain about their children, lamenting their own misery and lamenting that it is not easy to be a parent.
Parents put in more hard work during their children's infancy and early childhood, often with a four-two punch of gold. This "pay" is the most cost-effective "investment" in the world. If you do the opposite of this thing, in the child not pay attention to the child's childhood, do not take the education of children seriously, to the child grows up, I do not know how much trouble there will be. Who can wipe a scribbled paper clean?
I read an incident in the Beijing Youth Daily. A Shanghai boy named Chen Yu dropped out of college, ran away from home and was not heard from for five years. His parents went out several times to look for him and still don't know where he is. Chen Yu's parents were both senior intellectuals, and after his birth in 1987, his parents were so busy with their careers that they put him with his aunt in a foreign country and did not receive him until he was five years old. As you can imagine, a child leaving his parents at a very young age is already an irregular operation. When his real provider became his aunt, he was separated from her at the age of five, an age when he had formed a more stable relationship, and thrown into a new and unfamiliar environment.
The parents were only deploying the child according to their own needs. They did not consider that this was not a plant or a small animal, but a human being with rich thoughts and feelings; they did not think about the psychological trauma that the child would suffer in the process.
Reading between the lines of the report, it is clear that the parents lacked affection and communication harmony in their subsequent dealings with Chen Yu, and that there was a serious disconnect between the child and his parents - many children raised by others for long periods of time show disharmony with their parents when they return to them. Chen Yu's determination to leave his family, preferring to make himself an "orphan," can be surmised from the pain he has felt over the years. Now that his parents are retired, they realize they may have lost their son forever.
What a heartbreaking thing to see.
Over the years, the "Chen-Yu style" of parenting has not been widely questioned. Instead of being criticized for entrusting their children to a reliable person and focusing on their work, this separation of "birth" and "parenting" has become a cause for praise and proof for some people, especially those who have achieved success in their work.
In recent years, with the arrival of the "post-70s" and "post-80s" as parents, as well as the urbanization process in which a large number of rural workers have entered the cities, birth without adoption has become a mainstream phenomenon.
Whenever there is a conflict between the interests of adults and children, adults always choose the active party, the strong party; children always choose the passive party, the weak party, so it is always the children who make sacrifices and concessions. The child is always the one who makes sacrifices and concessions. By pushing out the responsibility of raising the child, the damage to the child will not be immediate, but the child will not make sacrifices and concessions for nothing, and any bad growth process will leave traces in his life and become a lesion that affects the quality of his life in the future, and also brings a lot of trouble to the whole family.
The problem of "left-behind children" in rural areas is beginning to attract attention because the earliest group of left-behind children have grown up and some of their common problems have been revealed, while the problem of "foster children" in urban areas has not attracted much attention.
Urban "foster children" are not necessarily sent out of town, but mostly live with their parents; only their real janitors are grandparents or nannies. In a spatial sense, they are with their parents and see them every day or once a week. In essence, because their parents are not attentive to them, they have the same growing situation as children left behind in rural areas. This situation is all the more reason for concern.
Three years ago I came across an example of a 10-year-old girl with a very eccentric temperament and poor academic performance. On the one hand, she showed her attachment to her parents and cared a lot about their attitude toward her; on the other hand, she quarreled with them every day and had constant conflicts, never listening to their words. Her parents are both very capable, both are important people in charge of the unit, the family is very well-off, from the birth of the child to hire a nanny to come home to take care of the child. The mother went to work three months after giving birth to her, leaving the childcare to the nanny.
From the surface, the child has been living with his parents, but because the parents are busy, leaving early and returning late every day, and often travel, the child is with the nanny from morning to night, and even sleep with the nanny at night, the child lives in his own home, but as a "foster child" lack of opportunities to get along with parents. This situation, the child on the nanny dependence, the nanny also love the little girl, the two very good feelings. Every time the nanny returned home to visit her family, the child did not want to let go, and was more upset than her mother's business trip.
However, when the child was 4 years old, the parents and the nanny had a conflict on the issue of compensation, they resolutely dismissed the nanny and found another nanny. The child and the new nanny can not get along, all day long, the parents will change the nanny again, still can not get along, so they have to change again. During the several changes of nannies, the child also grew a few years old, she no longer made trouble, but refused to talk to the nanny no matter what nanny entered the door. In this way, the child was effectively left alone at home every day. The parents were still busy with work and had little time to interact with the child. The occasional time together is to ask about the child's test scores or to take her out for a meal. It was not until the school teacher informed the parents that the child had missed school to go out to meet online friends that the girl's parents became anxious.
The mother brought the child to me, but her words did not have a little self-reflection, only that the child has its own problems, expecting me to do "ideological work" for the child, so for my child's current situation and parenting attitudes related to the point of view, she showed great reluctance to accept.
When I reminded her that she should not leave her children in the hands of a nanny and ignore the long-established attachment between her children and the first nanny, she was a little upset, saying that many people have nannies to help with their children, and who doesn't change nannies, and that their children don't have problems. When I suggested that she should have enough time to talk, play and read with her child every day, she got a little angry, saying that I was so busy at work that I had no time for her, and that my parents didn't care about me when I was a child, and that I was growing up just fine. And when I finally gave the advice that if your job makes you much busier than the average person, you really don't have time to take care of your child, then find a way to change your position, you used to be too cold to your child, and now you have to use a lot of time and energy to make up and repair, the child is already 10 years old, I worry that if you push back a few years, there may really be no chance to improve.
The words "change positions" made the mother completely angry, and she showed obvious emotion and ignored me again. I recently heard that this girl had been sent to a "walking school" by her parents. The main job of the "school" is to provide "military training" for students, i.e., to walk long distances every day, practice military posture, emergency assembly, etc., and beat anyone who disobeys. The "school" charges high fees, but many students are still recruited. Many children are like this girl, parents are very busy, family financial conditions are very good, children are very weak, they are sent here to reform. I also heard that the principal of the "school" has a broken child, and he started this "walking school" by training his son. His son did not train well, but also like that, but became a father to do the "principal", and not less money.
I can't help but sigh in my heart, spend money to buy "education" is a matter of how easy it is, just don't know what they finally bought! A big problem in modern home education is that parents can pay for their children's lives, but refuse to pay for their children's time and attention.
Those who put their careers against their children, those who don't care about spending time with their children and the quality of that time, those who don't appreciate the feelings of their children, it's not that they don't love their children, it's that they don't think that spending time with their children is an important thing in their bones. To them, a child is just a treasure or a small animal that can be temporarily deposited with a trustworthy person and then retrieved intact at any time. They do not see that babies and toddlers are living beings with thoughts and feelings, and that every situation in which they are happy, sad, and growing up will leave deep traces in the child - a puppy in a foster home will show discomfort because of a sudden change in janitor, and a child is not a porcelain vase that does not think at all.
A small child calling you mommy and daddy is not just a lighthearted promise, it requires a lot of time, energy and thought on your part. Since you have decided to have a child, you have to be responsible and attentive to your child, and treat getting along with your child as a very important job to be taken seriously. Don't send your child back home easily and let the elderly or relatives help with it. Try to find a way to keep the child with you, it is best to see the child every day. If there are practical difficulties, the parents should overcome them and not let the child carry them.
Even if you live with your child, be careful not to have only work and socializing on your mind, and simply take out the few margins of energy and time left to allocate to your child. Don't be indifferent to your child's needs, but take the matter of spending time with your child seriously, and don't leave your child in an elaborate room while being a "left-behind child" mentally. If, for objective reasons, you have to be separated from your child often, you must find ways to minimize and reduce your child's emotional loss, such as allowing your child to establish a relationship with grandparents or other temporary caregivers in advance, calling your child often during the days of separation, communicating with your child, and visiting your child regularly, so that your child can feel that his parents are always caring for him, and minimize your child's sense of loss.
God created people to naturally love their children so that parents can raise their children with care. No reason such as "busy work" should be a reason for not being attentive to your child. We work hard to create a better future, but in the end, we get into trouble with the education of children, the "future of our country". What is the meaning of such a "cause" for the family and the country?
The role of parents is so important that it is related to the fate of a child in a small way, and the future of the whole nation in a large way, so it must be done religiously and not to be neglected, otherwise it is a crime of reading. If parents can comprehend the importance of every day and every situation in a child's development, and know that these situations will have a huge impact on their children, then the ability and means for parents to bring up their children and work at the same time will naturally be there. There are always reasons for wanting to do something, and excuses for not wanting to do something.
Chi Li, a famous contemporary writer, said, "I found that from ancient times to the present, children are the same, but parents have changed dramatically. Nowadays, too many parents are only willing to spend money on their children, not time, energy and effort. In essence, parents have become confused, selfish, blind, stupid and lazy." (1) Her words were more pointed and to the point.
You can't just criticize the parents, but I would also like to say to the older generation - the grandparents or grandparents of the children - that maybe you have a lot of experience with children, maybe you have just retired and are still in very good health, maybe your children need your help badly now, but in any case, there is no need for you to take care of your grandchildren in this matter "You can't let your children feel that having more children at home is just an extra "pet" without going through the process of bringing up a child with care and attention; you can't let them become parents and still mentally suck on a pacifier without considering their own responsibility for the In addition to the responsibility of providing financial security, this little person also has the responsibility of providing affection and education. So you may want to do less on this matter, and push more things to your children to do themselves, so that they can further mature in the process of learning to be parents; this is a very important and meaningful thing for both generations of them!
● A big problem in modern homeschooling is that parents can give their lives to their children, but refuse to give their time and hearts to them.
● Don't send your children back home so easily and let the elderly or relatives help bring them up. Try to find a way to keep the child with you, preferably to see the child every day. If there are practical difficulties, the parents should overcome them and not let the child carry them. Even if you live with your child, be careful not to have only work and socializing on your mind, and simply take out the few margins of energy and time left to allocate to your child. Don't be indifferent to your child's needs, but take the matter of spending time with your child seriously, and don't let your child become a "left-behind child" mentally while being in a sophisticated room.
If you have to be separated from your child frequently for objective reasons, you should find ways to minimize your child's emotional loss, such as letting your child build up a relationship with grandparents or other temporary caregivers in advance, calling your child often during the days of separation, communicating with your child more often, and visiting your child regularly to let your child feel that his or her parents are always caring for him or her, so as to minimize your child's sense of loss.
● Push out the responsibility of raising the child. The damage to the child from this type of parenting will not present itself immediately, but the child will not make sacrifices and concessions for nothing. Any bad upbringing will leave traces in his life and become a lesion that will affect the quality of his life later on, as well as bring so much trouble to the whole family.
Educational toys can be used to prompt children's learning abilities