Be the "obedient" parent-Woodmam
No matter how much a parent loves his or her child, if he or she constantly demands "obedience" from the child and always demands that the child obey him or her, he or she is an authoritarian at heart. Such a person almost never doubts the correctness and non-negativity of his demands on the child, and he is subconsciously never really equal to the child. But in the eyes of the child, they are just "disobedient" parents.
Asking children to "behave" is a common thing in our lives. It has become a simple criterion for evaluating children, whether they listen or not, whether they are well behaved or not. But in my family, perhaps my husband and I have always had a sense of awareness, so we rarely use the word "obedient" to Yuan Yuan; instead, we prefer to be "obedient" parents.
When Yuan Yuan was about 2 years old, a relative and I once took her to Tiananmen Square to play. When we were walking to the bus stop, we had to cross an overpass. Yuan Yuan did not take the steps, to take the fixed railing on both sides of the small concrete platform only ten centimeters wide, she always liked this "unique way". Relatives said, "Let's not take that, take the steps, okay, and hurry to take the bus. Yuan Yuan did not listen. I said to my relatives, don't mind her, let her go that way if she wants to.
Yuan Yuan grabbed the railing with two small hands and slowly moved up a little, I was beside her to protect her from falling down.
At this time, another little boy a little older than her, see Yuan Yuan that way, also want to walk along the railing from the other side, his mother said: "walk well, obedient!" The mother said, "Walk well, behave!" and forcibly pulled the child away.
Yuan Yuan finally climbed onto the bridge with great effort and was so excited that he wanted to walk along the railing from one end of the bridge to the other. The relatives said, "Yuan Yuan is a good boy, let's also be obedient like that child, do not go here, okay. I took into account the relatives' emotions, also said to Yuan Yuan: "Come down and walk, let's go faster, okay, this is too slow". Yuan Yuan said no, grabbed the railing again and moved forward step by step. I look at her happy look, also do not care about her.
Finally crossed the bridge, it is time to go down, she still want to curiously try to walk along the railings down the feeling. Walked half may be no novelty, but also feel really inconvenient, before coming down.
Crossing this footbridge, originally a minute to go over, now it took about ten minutes. I could feel my relative's impatience next to me. She said to me with a smile, you are a good mother, the child is so disobedient, you are still so patient, I see you always listen to the child, she said to do what you let her do.
I understood my relative very well, she didn't have children at that time, she didn't know that every child is "disobedient". I apologize to her in my heart. In between the interests of adults and children, I have to choose the interests of the child first, even if it was not my daughter, it was her child, I was willing to accompany the child slowly across the flyover - we are supposed to take the child out to play, why must be seen as meaningful to go to Tiananmen Square, the flyover as meaningless, children in Where to play is not play it. Perhaps in the eyes of Yuan Yuan, the bridge than the square is much more interesting.
Yuan Yuan's father and I as parents "obedient" in others sometimes seem to do too much. When Yuan Yuan was 12 years old, the Spring Festival, we drove from Beijing back to Inner Mongolia for the New Year. Originally planned to go on the eighth day, after breakfast, we all picked up a large bag ready to go, Yuan Yuan dawdled to put on clothes, reluctant look, said grandmother's house to stay so many days, grandma's house only two days, did not play with two sisters enough. Look at her and the two sisters hard to part with the look, want to cry. We considered going back a day late is not a big deal, but her father and I back to Beijing no rest time, the first day afternoon back the next day immediately to work. So we decided not to leave that day, took off our clothes and brought back the things we had moved to the car. The three children were so happy that they jumped up and down. Yuan Yuan's grandmother was worried that we would be too tired to go back like this and thought we were too indulgent.
But this "indulgence" did not spoil Yuanyuan into a solipsistic person, on the contrary, she is very understanding, everyone who has met Yuanyuan said she is both understanding and stable. She has indeed grown up to be more perfect than her parents. We genuinely respect her ideas, especially as she grows up and becomes more and more understanding, and when we have a problem that we don't know how to solve, we will discuss it with her, listen to her ideas, and really become "obedient" parents in front of her.
As parents, of course, we did not always "listen" to everything, and there were many conflicts with Yuan Yuan during her growth. But now that I think about it, almost all of them reflect parental problems, that is to say, they all include parents' lack of understanding of their children or inappropriate ways of solving problems.
When Yuan Yuan was about 4 years old, my friend Xiao Xiao and I took Yuan Yuan and Xiao Xiao's little daughter Xuan Xuan to Tiger Mountain Park to play. We were walking along a small dirt road towards the mountain, and the two little girls were running ahead of us, both of them dressed in nice, clean clothes. Less than I followed behind, chatting and taking care of these two delightful little girls in front of us.
As they walked, they were suddenly on all fours, crawling on their hands and knees on the dirt road. Seeing this, I and Xiao Xiao quickly shouted at them to get up. They did not listen, still crawling in that way, we ran over and pulled them up, patting the soil for them, criticizing them for getting their clothes dirty. Both little girls looked unhappy.
This incident was like any other little thing in life, and I forgot about it in a flash. It wasn't until a few years later, when Yuan Yuan was in fourth or fifth grade, that she once criticized me for not understanding her properly and suddenly brought up the incident.
She said it was the first time she had ever climbed a mountain, and she and Xuanxuan were walking in front of her and were curious about why it was called "climbing" when it was clearly a walk up a mountain. They thought the word "climb" was funny, and decided to climb on all fours in order to make themselves really "climb". As soon as they started to "climb", we screamed behind them, which made them very upset.
When I heard Yuan Yuan say this, I remembered that there was something like that. I asked Yuan Yuan with heartache and regret: Why didn't you say what you thought at that time? If mommy knew you were thinking this way, she would not have stopped you. Yuan Yuan said, at that time we were so small, we thought that way in our hearts, but we couldn't say it out loud. If you had asked us slowly why we did that, maybe we could have told you. Yuan Yuan went on to criticize that adults often do not use their brains, direct children blindly, and always blame children for disobedience.
I was convinced by Yuan Yuan's criticism. Yes, why can't we "climb" mountains? The clothes can be washed if they are dirty, and it's no big deal if they are worn out. It's a mistake to ruin such a fun-filled attempt for your child just for the insignificant reason of fear of getting dirty.
I'm a little embarrassed to think about how many such mistakes there were. If I had to do it all over again, I would have done a better job and never treated my child that arbitrarily.
Children's consciousness development and language expression are often out of sync, and many things come to mind but cannot be said, or are said at a great distance from what they intended. The expressions they use most are obedience or disobedience, submission or rebellion, laughter or crying. Adults should not simply assume that the former is good and the latter is bad, and should not indiscriminately tell children to "obey". Be sure to listen to the child's heart from their various expressions. Also find a way to guide them to use language to speak out their thoughts.
I recall an incident when Yuan Yuan was 3.5 years old. At that time, her father was working abroad and came back once every few months. She often missed her dad and asked him when he would come back and why Xiaozhe's dad didn't work abroad.
At that time, there was a TV series called "As long as you live better than me". The story is about a mother in SOS Children's Village who takes care of several orphans, and a man who falls in love but can't get together. Round also followed me to watch some intermittently.
One day, the drama is that the children do not listen, the mother was so angry that she left home, several children are left unattended, can not eat, and miss their mothers, so poor. Yuan Yuan seemed to pay attention to this episode.
After watching it, it was time for bed, so I asked her to drink some water before brushing her teeth. I could tell she wanted to know why her mother had left home, why she didn't want her children, and whether she was coming back. I was bored by her questions, said don't ask, drink the water and go to sleep. Yuan Yuan reluctantly took the glass of water, wanted to say something but then suddenly burst into tears.
She usually rarely cries, which surprised me, I thought she was anxious for the children in the TV show, so I quickly told her that their mother would definitely come back, watch TV again tomorrow, and they would definitely come back. Yuan Yuan's crying didn't abate, so it seemed that wasn't what she was thinking about.
I was sure she wasn't crying for physical reasons like a tummy ache, so I asked her: Baby why are you crying, tell me, will you? I wiped her tears and asked her a few more times before she cried and said, "Where did their daddy go". I picked her up and said, "Baby, don't cry, do you miss your dad, he will come back next month, we will call him tomorrow, okay? She cried and shook her head. It seems that this is not the answer she wants either.
I was very surprised and kissed her cheeks and encouraged her to tell the reason. She probably wanted to tell, tried to stop crying, but couldn't, and looked a bit anxious.
I asked her a different question: Do you want mommy to do something, tell her and she will do it, okay? Yuan Yuan nodded, and she thought very hard and said, "Mom, let's change the house, this house is not good." After saying that, she cried out again.
Her words puzzled me, and Yuan Yuan looked aggrieved and confused. When I asked her why she wanted to change the house, she cried so hard that she said, "This house is not good, I want to change the house.
I didn't know what was in this little one's mind, so I found a towel to wipe her face, coaxed her to stop crying, and asked her to tell me what kind of house she wanted to change. Yuan Yuan tried to stop crying and looked like she wanted to answer me, but couldn't, so she said something and was anxious.
I thought for a moment and asked her: Do you not like our house? She nodded her head. This really confused me. How could she suddenly not like our house? There must be another reason. I asked her again carefully: "Baby, is there something you don't like about our house? What don't you like, tell mommy, okay?"
Yuan Yuan thought about it and burst into tears, crying and saying, "Not like the TV, not the big red pot house, mommy let's change the house!" I asked her what she meant by "house with big red pots", and she cried while looking down, pointing with her finger to the red plastic pots on the floor where the toys were.
I immediately guessed the reason. There was a little girl named Yaya in the TV show, also three or four years old, and her toys were put away in a big red plastic tub. Yaya's toy basin happens to be the same as the basin in which Yuan Yuan filled her toys. The red plastic tub appeared on camera several times, and I pointed it out to Yuan Yuan, saying that she had the same large tub of toys as Yaya. She saw Yaya today without her mother and became so pitiful, and she could not fully understand the cause and effect of the plot, her little heart might have reasoned that - a house with a big red pot like that, dad would not be home, mom would leave home - so she was very worried.
I guided her through the questioning and slowly brought out her thoughts, and that was the reason. I reassured her with words she could understand and finally convinced her that mommy would never leave home and daddy would live with her every day, and that this had nothing to do with the big red pot.
Yuan Yuan put down her worries and fell asleep happily. I looked at her quiet little face in her sleep and thought it was so important to listen to the child's mind. If adults think that the child does not know what to do, not to seriously understand what she is saying, haphazardly coax her a gas or two sentences, the child's mind can not be untied, she will have how long distress and anxiety ah.
It is true that we often see children who are really "disobedient" in our lives.
Once I had dinner with some friends and a mother brought a 7 or 8 year old boy. The food was served, and we were about to move our chopsticks when the boy suddenly asked his mother to take her outside to buy a toy of some kind. The child refused and wanted to go immediately, kept pestering his mother and had a falling out with her, which made everyone restless.
The child did seem to be "particularly disobedient" as his mother said, and he seemed unable to understand or sympathize with anyone at all. Everyone used various methods to persuade him to wait until after dinner to buy, trying to cheer him up and hoping he would eat some food, but he just wouldn't eat a bite and wouldn't listen to a word of advice. His mother stopped paying attention to him and told everyone not to pay attention to him either.
Later, an uncle teased him by saying he wanted to "toast" with him and handed the boy a can of Coke, which he took, looking ready to compromise. When the boy was about to open the can of Coke, his mother quickly stopped him and said, "Don't drink Coke, drink almond milk. When the boy said he wanted a Coke, his mother grabbed the Coke and handed him a can of almond milk and said, "Drink this. The child refused and said angrily: You never let me drink Coke, you just let me drink yogurt and almond milk every day! Mom said: How many times have I told you that Coke is not nutritious, so why drink it?
Next to her, someone advised the mother that she should make an exception today and let her child drink a little less Coke. The mother's expression was non-negotiable, saying that she could not let the child's nature take over, and that she could not drink a single sip of Coke. She opened the almond milk, poured a cup in front of the child and said, "Be good, drink this!" The child again grumbled and refused to eat or drink.
I sighed in my heart, with such a "disobedient" mother, it's strange to have an obedient son!
Parents are the first and most important role models for their children. If parents try to convince their children to do what adults want in everything, and demand that they obey them all day long, they teach their children to unconsciously treat others in the same way. Young children quickly learn a set of kidnapping parental practices, "disobedience" is their usual rope, negative but effective. Too many of these incidents can build up to extremes and develop into a form of paranoia.
Behind many seemingly commonplace practices in education, there are actually many mistakes that people do not see. Over the years, people have become accustomed to asking children to "do what they are told" as if it were for their own good, but a deeper analysis reveals that this is an inequality between adults and children. It is not that parents do not want to treat their children equally, but they are not easily alerted to their own sense of authority and do not realize that they are playing the role of authority in front of their children.
The philosopher Fromm is critical of authoritarian ethics, which asserts that "obedience is the greatest good and disobedience is the greatest evil. In authoritarian ethics, the unforgivable sin is rebellion.
No matter how much a parent loves his or her child, if he or she constantly demands "obedience" from the child and always demands that the child obey him or her, he or she is an authoritarian at heart. Such a person almost never doubts the correctness and non-negativity of his demands on the child, and subconsciously he is never truly equal to the child. But in the eyes of the child, they are just "disobedient" parents.
It is basically certain that those who are very self-righteous and paranoid must have had a long childhood in which they had to submit to the will of others and their personal will was constantly suppressed. This is the psychological trauma left by his childhood environment, which is difficult to heal completely throughout his life. Many people apply this paranoia to their offspring, and leave traces of paranoia in their offspring.
Of course, being an "obedient" parent is never about doing what your child says and not breaking the moral line. You should not listen to your child's impolite orders, endless quid pro quo, or rude and impolite words. To do otherwise is to connive. "Obedience" and connivance are two completely opposite things. The essence of "obedience" is how to understand children and how to treat them equally; indulgence is just spoiling. "Obedience" produces a democratic citizen; indulgence only creates a tyrant.
Rousseau said: "Do not teach a child how to obey people when he is active; at the same time, do not let him learn to serve people when you give him something to do. Let him feel equally at home with his freedom in his actions and in yours." In the words of this article, both parents and children should not control each other, but be "obedient". The parent, as the strong and dominant party, is the initiator of the situation - if you want to have a good and obedient child, you must remember: be the "obedient" parent in front of the child first.
We are supposed to take our children out to play, so why must we see going to Tiananmen Square as meaningful and crossing the flyover as meaningless? Maybe in Yuan Yuan's eyes, the bridge is much more interesting than the square.
The clothes can be washed when they are dirty, and it is no big deal if they are worn out. It's a mistake to ruin such a fun-filled attempt of your child just for the trivial reason of fear of getting dirty.
It is so important to understand your child's mind. If you don't understand what your child is saying, and if you don't try to coax her or lecture her, your child will not be able to untie the knot, and she will be distressed and upset for a long time.
If parents try to convince their children to do what adults want in everything, and demand that they obey them all day long, they teach their children to unconsciously treat others in the same way. Young children quickly learn to kidnap their parents, and "disobedience" is their usual noose, negative but effective. Too many of these incidents can build up into a psychological extremity and develop into a form of paranoia.
Educational toys can be used to prompt children's learning abilities